


love is a sickness

by seonni (honeydewmilk)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 10:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5624041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeydewmilk/pseuds/seonni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hoseok has always believed that love sickness was just complete infatuation of another person, not a disease that's ready to suffocate him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	love is a sickness

**Author's Note:**

> _The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals. It can be cured without side effects only when the feelings are returned._  
>   
> 
> idk what the original source is but whoop here it is. I didn't include the original text in the fic or anyone trying to explain what it is because that'd be pure cheese.
> 
> \-----
> 
> This work is has been translated into [Russian](https://ficbook.net/readfic/4211636) by Vic Ao

A single red petal rests in his palm. It's a bright crimson and it compliments his pale skin well, bringing a little colour back to his face. It's ironic, he wants to laugh at mother nature's cruel joke but his tongue feels heavy, as if he wasn't done coughing out petals. There's a lingering bitter taste in his mouth and it adds to the weight of reality hitting him.

He feels bitter too.

He wants to believe this is a nightmare, with the way he breaks into a cold sweat, it has to be. He'll wake up soon and the world will be the same as he's always perceived it. Only hearing about the hushed whispers of this disease, catching wind of the word _Hanahaki_ every once in a while. He tucks the petal into his pocket, hiding it away as the others begin to file into the practice room. They're boisterous and in high spirit, he doesn't want to ruin the mood so he gives them a half-hearted smile. He hopes it's just a mild case.

He later learns that there's no such thing as a mild case.

 

It's at an event where he witnesses another idol break into a coughing fit. It's severe, and if one petal had him sweating, he couldn't imagine what the girl was feeling. He gives her a knowing look and she stares at him, eyes brimmed with tears and he swears her face pales further. It's a soft smile that falls on his lips, eyebrows worried and eyes mournful. They both know it's a gesture of pity and she acknowledges him with a nod.

Part of him is thankful that he's not the only one, the other part of him feels guilty that this person is dying.

But so was he.

 

Two weeks later, it's two petals. A week after, it's three. He starts coughing more and more petals out every few days until it becomes a daily occurrence. He doesn't know what to do with the petals, so he simply discards them into a paper bag and tucks it under his mattress to deal with later. The others ask if he's alright and he dismisses it as a cold.

He gets sick often anyways.

 

Hyunwoo finds him hunched on the bathroom floor. He pulls his knees closer to his chest on reflex, hiding the petals in his lap. He knows he looks terrible, face painted a stark white, temples glistening with sweat, eyes brimmed with tears.

"Hoseok?" Hyunwoo peeks in through the door.

Hoseok waits three heartbeats, trying to even out his breathing before feigning a smile, "Ah— hey."

"You alright?"

"Yeah, I think it's just anxiety," He swallows, throat dry and hoarse, "It gets hard to breathe sometimes."

It's just another excuse and it usually works but Hyunwoo raises an eyebrow.

"You sure you don't need to see the doctor? You've also been sick for awhile." Hyunwoo steps into the bathroom but doesn't move more than a step when he sees Hoseok tense up.

Hoseok shakes his head, "I'll be fine."

 

It's a few weeks later when the other really start worrying. It becomes harder to hide, his coughs reverberate throughout the walls and he makes sure to lock the bathroom door after Hyunwoo caught him last time. He loses his appetite and it doesn't help that he's as pale as a ghost, more so than usual. His confidence has dwindled, he's quiet and it's not because he wants to be. He feels petals getting caught in his throat at the most inconvenient times so he keeps his mouth shut. For once, he's thankful for not having many lines in their songs. He tries not to exert himself with any unnecessary movements, but it's not like he has the energy to do so in the first place.

Crimson camellias stain red.

His fingers are covered in red, and so are his lips, his sheets, his clothes, everything he touches. He swears if he touches someone else, they'll be stained too. Everything's red, and this time there's blood. He doesn't see it at first but it's there, masked by the red of the petals and he's terrified.

_This is real._

He feels like the flowers are stealing his oxygen away, his breaths become short and it doesn't help that his body is fighting for air. There's another living organism festering in his lungs and it's terrifying.

Pretty things shouldn't be this cruel.

But they are, Hoseok knows that pretty things are cruel. It's like how innocent a rose can look until you prick yourself with its thorns. But these aren't roses, they're camellias. Soft petals, rounded in shape, they look so pure in white and pink but red? Red camellias are unexpectedly cruel with its bright colour and triangular petals, they look so sharp and he bets they can cut flesh.

He knows pretty things are cruel, even when its not aware of its own beauty. He looks at Changkyun whose always soft smiles and oblivious to the damage he's doing to him. He sees beauty and a sharp edge digs into his chest. The boy doesn't know, he shouldn't know about his feelings, about this disease. He hopes he doesn't know, he may be the youngest but he's an adult at this point. Hoseok remembers being nineteen, he wasn't innocent at all, he knows what goes on in the world, he knows love, he knows pain, he knows death.

Hoseok wants to be the one that's oblivious. Oblivious of Changkyun's existence because maybe in that reality he wouldn't be sick. Maybe in another reality, they still both know each other and their feelings are shared. Maybe in another reality, Changkyun was the one in his position.

He wants to say _I love you_ and have the operation, just to get his feelings out there. Because after that, he wouldn't be able to feel love for him anymore. But he's scared, he doesn't know if it'll affect basic affection towards the other. He at least wants to stay friends with the boy.

He wants to say _I love you_ but the phantom feeling of petals weigh his tongue down, they suffocate him when he tries to get the first syllable out. There's nothing there, not right now, but he knows he'll spill petals before he can spill the words. So he just lets himself drown in the sea of petals, hoping a tide will finally sweep him under.

 

A wave finally crashes into him, but it's not what he had expected. It was more like a freight train hitting him, unexpected in an ocean of flowers.

"I knew it." It's a whisper, he knows that voice, Hoseok doesn't bother lifting his head. The petals are scattered on his bed, tears threatening to fall, he doesn't want to meet the other's gaze. His stomach feels unsettled with the other's presence in his room. Maybe he'll puke out his lunch before he pukes out more flowers. 

It's not like he ate much either.

"How long?" Hoseok doesn't know how to answer this, he has questions of his own, _How long since when? When I started throwing up flower petals? When I started having feelings for you?_

"Are you going to have the operation?" Hoseok knows Changkyun's just asking questions to finally get to his final question. It's always the same question asked, and he's encountered that plenty of times from the other members when they found out. He finds it funny that Changkyun is the last to find out.

He's never said much of a peep to anyone except Hyungwon, because apparently the other male was in his position years ago, having gone through with the operation when it got really bad. Maybe that's why the taller male seems to act a little colder towards everyone, afraid to fall in love again. Hyungwon just shrugs, _think about the people around you_. He does, he thinks about all the other members, his family, his other friends. He thinks about Changkyun.

It's always Changkyun.

"Who is it?" Something feels caught in his throat, and Hoseok doesn't think it's more petals, it's probably his heart trying to leap out of his body. He doesn't know how to answer this.

_You, it's you. You did this to me._

There's no reason to blame Changkyun when he's done nothing but exist. He should be blaming himself, _you're such a fool, Shin Hoseok_. He hasn't said a word but it was a one-sided conversation to start with. Hoseok knows this, Changkyun doesn't. He knows the other boy is probably irritated with him and he hears him begin to shuffle away.

"Changkyun." He says, on reflex. He curses to himself when he hears the boy back track, his stomach is doing back flips and he doesn't know what to say at this point.

"That's the most you've said to me in the past month." He's annoyed, Hoseok knows this, "Are you going to tell me?"

"I already did." He doesn't want to directly say it, that he's sick because of him. So he hints at it, hoping the other would understand. Hoseok finally looks up to meet his gaze, and he swears Changkyun could see right through him. There's a sharp furrow of brows but he sees worry too. He seems angry, and Hoseok believes he has all the right reasons to be angry so he turns his gaze away. Hoseok understands, he's angry at himself, anyways.

"You..." He elaborates but they both know and Hoseok's just digging his own grave.

"You're like this," Changkyun steps closer until he's within arm's reach, "because of me?"

He feels a cloud of shame hang over his head so he drops his gaze back down onto his lap, playing with a petal to distract himself. Ironically, it shouldn't distract him, it's a constant reminder but he doesn't know where else to look.

"Shit," Changkyun scrubs a hand over his face, it's a nervous habit. Changkyun drops his piercing gaze for a more confused look, trying to process all this information, "Shit... I'm— I'm sorry..." Changkyun's voice is shaky and Hoseok hears a small sniff and he brings his gaze back to Changkyun.

Changkyun exudes confidence in front of cameras but Hoseok knows it's just a front. _What is there to like about me?_ He remembers the younger saying after one of their stages, astonished by the amount of fans waving signs and their phones with his name on them. He's conscious about his looks, and his abilities, and even his own personality, but Hoseok has reassured him that he's fine, _perfect_. That was his closest he's gotten to confessing his feelings until now. He loves Changkyun, with every imperfection and flaw because they're only human after all.

"I should be the one that's sorry." Hoseok says.

"You idiot." Changkyun steps even closer and Hoseok expects to be punched into oblivion so he shuts his eyes tight waiting for a solid impact across his cheek. Except, it's not his face, he finds himself pushed by the chest by a strong arm and he's lying down on the bed. "You fuckin' idiot."

There's tears welled up in Changkyun's eyes now, and Hoseok muses that he's trying his best not to cry. He wants to brush the tears away, but he does everything in his willpower not to touch the other male, even with the other male straddling his torso.

Pretty things shouldn't be this cruel.

Hoseok has to admit, he's pretty when he cries. It's a rarer sight but Changkyun's normally good at holding back his emotions until something finally pushes him over the edge. The way tears begin to free fall from the boy's eyes, he's probably going to drown in those tears before he drowns in petals. His heart aches, and Hoseok knows it's his fault that he's hurt Changkyun in some way.

"This could have been avoided..." Changkyun murmurs and Hoseok quirks an eyebrow upwards.

"What?"

"Fuck, Im Changkyun, you're an idiot." He's murmuring again, "It would have been terrible if we both believed that it was one-sided."

"Wha—"

"You only perceived it as one-sided because you don't know how I feel." Changkyun says, voice a little louder than his murmurs.

Hoseok wants to laugh, this has got to be another one of mother nature's cruel jokes right?

But it isn't, not when he feels the bed shift and Changkyun's leaning closely that Hoseok thinks that perhaps mother nature isn't out to ruin his life. He doesn't move, his brain's having trouble keeping up, and when Changkyun presses his lips to his, he feels the weight on his chest lighten. Even with his mouth covered, he feels like he can finally breathe again. He feels like he's just resurfaced after being pushed and pulled by waves and he wants to gasp for air but Changkyun's lips are too soft and he tastes so sweet he doesn't want to part. It's different from the bitterness he's had in his mouth from hacking up camellias petals all month, and his lips are just as velvety and soft as petals.

"At least you didn't start vomiting flowers." Hoseok says, lips grazing against Changkyun's as he speaks. He's trying to break the remaining amount of tension hanging in the air and it works when Changkyun emits a small chuckle.

"We're both fools, regardless."

"At least we'll be fools together," Hoseok pulls Changkyun back down to another kiss, "I love you."

"I didn't know that," Changkyun raises an eyebrow, "Care to show me?"

**Author's Note:**

> This fic took me a few days to write because ironically, I ended up catching a cold.
> 
> I like to raise my ships just to tear it down again ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
>  
> 
> And raise them again.
> 
> [tumblr](http://sjjk.tumblr.com/) | [writing blog](http://seonni.tumblr.com/) | [twitter ](https://twitter.com/circlesdreams) | [listography](http://listography.com/seonni)


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